Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Has the Ring of Truth

"The Mad Tea Party," Image of Original Painting Used by Kind Permission of the Artist; original sold, prints available at

So we'll believe it. Seems somebody at the White House, who doesn't want to be credited for the post, natch, has interesting comments about the cast of characters to be found there.

The Daily Kos, my hero (another one) picked it up from a HUMOR SITE. Yeah, yeah, we ALL know that humor sites are just spoofs. Like MoronCowboy, for instance. That doesn't prevent me from instructing everyone in my household not to answer the door in the middle of the night lest I be designated an "enemy combatant" & thrown in a dank dungeon to rot faster than you can say "totalitarian state," without ever being informed of the crimes with which I've been charged, never mind the opportunity to defend myself against them.

Besides, it seems credible to me since I've never heard of that Tom guy with the peculiar personal habits (I diagnose it long-distance as OCD, because I'm just expert at diagnosing very disturbing psychological disorders from a safe remove based on the reports of tattle-tales under deep cover), nor the old lawyer-guy collecting a handsome salary for being useless & who keeps a civil-war era revolver in his desk drawer.

So I'm inclined to credit it as gospel truth. Plus, I've been in the market for a decent rice cooker for years now, & haven't been able to find a cheaply priced one. (Non-rice connosieurs may not understand, but American processed boil-in-the-bag rice is just WRONG, I tell ya, & you should never eat anything if the odors emanating from the cooking of it make you nauseous.)

This would explain that mystery.

I'm not worried about nose-hair trimmers. I already have some.

Thanks to my friend who has his own website for turning me onto this item, though I suspect it's just in response to my request to use his brilliantly doctored photo of Justice Scalia. (Like, no, but you can have this in consolation? I told you I'd give you credit for it, didn't I?) I'll also be linking to his site just as soon as I can get this blog's gol-darn linking function to work.

On with the show:

Tue Apr 11, 2006 at 11:42:19 PM PDT
Someone claiming to work at the White House posted a thread on the Something Awful forums detailing alot of details from inside the White House. Now, one should always take almost unverifiable content from the internet with a grain of salt - especially from this comedy website - but from reading all 21 pages of the thread, I am pretty convinced that most, if not all of what he said, is true, just because of the sheer detail, but that's just my opinion. It's as if nothing would really shock me anyway anymore, however. I'm copying and pasting alot of what was said to the extended body, see for yourself.

danger durden's diary :: ::
Here is what the poster, Martin Random, spoke of in his thread:
I was going to post this in the "Expose the big lie" thread but after I wrote it I thought it was interesting enough to merit a thread of its own. This is all good information, personally verified or witnessed by none other than me, but I will not answer any questions about it or go into any detail other than what I've already typed out. I may reply with more information or anecdotes if I see fit, but I've pretty much already scraped the barrel of my experiences.

These are some facts I have witnessed and learned through my employment. Take it at face value, believe it or don't believe it, because I'm not providing corroborating pictures, details, or evidence beyond my own testimony.

Homeland security buys in bulk and at great premium millions of dollars of useless personal appliances from China, such as rice cookers, nose hair trimmers, massage wands, and heating pads, boxes them up, and buries them in railroad shipping containers in the Arizona desert for no reason whatsoever other than to spend its budget and prevent sub-agencies from getting the funds. I suspect that the money goes to a middleman in order to secretly siphon funds into foreign organizations which we can't support over the table, but this is just me trying to find a justification for this massive and intentional government waste.

Donald Rumsfeld needs to wear iced underwear because of some medical condition, and he has his secret service detail hold his spares. He was recently getting uncontrollable long-term erections and had to change up his medical treatments. The underwear and the erections is why he uses a standing desk, not because he is some super-man. He also wears nylon stockings, not because he's gay, but to control some vascular problem with his legs which causes him intense pain.

President Bush uses anti-depressant medication, a lot of it, at a stupendous dosage, and he is hiding it from the American public. This is the real reason he stopped drinking. Because of the dosage, he is also impotent.

Tom Ridge carries 20 credit cards with him at all times, each one with a very low limit. I have never heard of him using one, ever, but he has them. He also wears his socks inside-out, and will flip the fuck out and walk strangely if he is forced to wear them properly, because it drives him crazy. All of his socks must be laundered right side in and then turned inside out before they are returned to him. He gave specific instructions about handling his food, and not allowing his vegetables to touch any other food item on the plate. His utensils must be steamed over boiling water. He will not eat soup which hasn't been boiled within the past 20 minutes or which he has not prepared himself. If any of these rules are violated, he flies into a rage, turns beet red, and will not eat a single thing. He has his personal attendants confirm over and over that the food is as he likes it. He also shaves his forearms and hands because he can't stand the idea of body hair on his arms. He demands that his bedsheets are bleach white and changed fresh every night and he sleeps in a separate bed in a big, tight, body-length nylon sleeve, with a fan blowing over him at full power. He is terrified of animals which have fur or hair longer than one inch, and will not go near curly hair of any kind, even on people. At one time he ran from his office and demanded that someone look under everything for a rodent which did not and could not exist, then he had the entire place wiped down with disinfectant and vacuumed twice. While this was done he couldn't even bear to look at the door, or come within 20 feet of his office. He was in hysterics.

President Bush, when dining at the white-house, does not eat any item of food which has not been first sniffed by a trained dog before being prepared. Think about that.

Word among the staff is that Cheney was drunk when he shot that lawyer, and secluded himself for a day to sober up and avoid felony firearms charges. I don't have any direct information on this because the guys with him at the time are not talking. This is totally unconfirmed, but I think it is plausible.

Dick Cheney has chronic gum problems and his breath smells like shit as a result. He is also a CLOSE TALKER. He keeps a small bottle of diluted hydrogen peroxide which he rinses with every hour on the hour, and he swallows it instead of spitting. He also picks his nose vigorously (violently) and hums loudly and tunelessly to himself while taking shits.

There is a sealed room in the whitehouse which once held a half-ton block of cheese for about 30 years.

The White house is planting its own men among the press agents at press conferences.

The white house lawn is mowed every other day by the same man humming the same tune.

Despite all of this craziness, there is nothing strange whatsoever about Condoleeza Rice. She is completely balanced and normal, if slightly robotic in her personal demeanor. She smells very nice at all times. She does, however, constantly check her investments online from her office when she thinks that nobody is looking, and she has slept at her desk on multiple occasions.

There is an administrative law judge who sits in an office in a building near the white-house, earns around 200k per year and has a secretary, and he does nothing except sit, read, and listen to classical music all day. His secretary likewise does nothing. He gets meals taken to him from the White-house kitchen, and is so lonely that he latches on to whoever gets sent and talks to them for hours about the korean war. His family is all dead and his secretary hates him. In a drawer in his desk he has an old revolver, which he got in there somehow despite that he shouldn't have been able to bring it in. I think he will shoot himself one day.

The "undisclosed location" is usually a local police officer training ground or state trooper college. Shh.


Despite the popular conception, I have never, ever, ever seen President Bush give anyone around him a nickname when it wasn't for public effect to make him seem home-towney. He also has a thing where his accent gets more pronounced when there is a camera on him. Go figure.



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